“By My Side”

 

I have awoken, finally if you call it that. I had finally stopped the repetitive process of stretching, sleeping until the pain was too much. It was bad, tormenting bad, more than usual a lot more, the back, the arms, the head wanting to stretch the legs, confusion and pain for the time it took me to lay back on the couch stand, smoke a little, cat got out gone to top it off, I had left the door open, I walked for awhile in a stupor. Until a few sparks of life jumped into my mind realizing I was in a very bad place, over all and this needed to be addressed so I wrote a text, I can’t even remember all what it said but it was a cry, a plea for help, and it went to 10 people. Dad, sis, friends, associates, others, I would have to look. I think most by now know that I go through spells, times when things are just very bad, very bad. I reach out. I imply drastic measures of the who I am, but it is only a glimpse, a skip in time, a very real skip but a skip none the less, the true measure had not fallen. It was Sunday and Jeff had called about church the night before I declined do to illness, yet this morning I changed my mind and called back. I forgot the camera, but I would have missed the ride.

Bill White, Pastor Bill White cranked up the organ and it was on, song, I listened, not having the to-do or where with all to engage. I even declined communion, but that is not why I was there. I was there to listen, I made it that far. Bill started off by saying something about different sermon or one he had prepared. I still wasn’t zeroed in. I wasn’t until I felt he was talking to me, us, we all needed this message, well I sure did. I’m not afraid to say so, for I had already stood and spoke of how I felt, and asked for help. Now, that is something I never do ask for help. I never ask for prayer, I just do with my lot knowing it is pretty screwed up, and this is what I got. I got a sermon a word, and that is what I needed, just an idea, a whisper in my ear that everything is going to be alright everything is going to be Okay. I had to drive away that doom that for shadowed my mind. Service was quickly over and Bill wasn’t even over before our closing song which everyone sung, even my self then Bill stood shaking my hand. A great infectious smile upon his face; for I was smiling back full steam. Don’t know where that came from.

            Today was pot luck and I ran out side to tend the garden. This was the first time I had been able to, water and deal with the plants, except for when I hunted down the snails when I first arrived; I set to water the parking lot and go eat dinner. I actually ate, a sister came by and said “All I can do is pray for you.” And well in fine I took such a gesture. I felt pretty good surprisingly after the meal even though I took a fall, I fixed the light, and rode home. Dad called and we made a plan. I felt calmer, I herd Freya “Scream!” She was out front and in a fight. I found her on the other side of the fence, attacking, see Freya is all I got to say. Then she went up a tree…? Freya has never had to back down a tree and I had to teach it to her over the fence,,,, It took a while she was about 20+ feet up in a tangle of branches that looked extra bushy, to climb down back wards when you go up a tree. A neighbor came out and helped. Freya was down but just lying there on the other side of the fence, not listening to me any longer. I began to talk to the neighbor and Freya walked out, from a car. I looked down and said, “Freya if you come to me I will not punish you.” Her head bobbed down and she came right to my hand. I carefully picked her up. The neighbor was amazed, and exclaimed in breath as a person might when started by and incident. I did many other things today, how well things worked out, even enough so I could speak deep truth to my little sister, and hopefully lighten others. I think you learn a whole lot from suffering, it makes you want to listen, teach, grow, and at the end everything is okay.

Thor